Leap Day

Well, will you look at that? It's the 29th of February. The one day out of 1,461 when it's acceptable for a lady to propose to a gentleman. Normally us womenfolk just stand around all passive and coquettish waiting for a man to drop to his knees and offer us an escape route from terminal spinsterhood.

But, hurrah, on this very special day, we get to turn the tables, look our desired conquests up and down and say "Well, how about it, stud?"

You better shape up, 'cause I need a man
And my heart is set on you

Disappointingly, I have proposed to exactly zero (0) men today. If I change my mind about the whole marriage business and want to take matters into my own hands I am going to have to wait until 2020 before I get my next opportunity.

Well, obviously, I'm not because (a) It's the 21st century and women can propose to men anytime they feel like it and (b) I am never not ever getting married ever. I've made it to my forties without tying the knot. I reckon I'm safe now.

So where does this tradition come from? Well according to legend, in the fifth century St Brigid beseeched fellow patron saint of Ireland, St Patrick for a day when women could propose to their suitors. And, um, that's it. Not only is it bollocks - St Brigid would have been eight years old at the time of St Patrick's death which would have made her a pretty precocious campaigner for women's rights in any century - it's kind of boring. What kind of backstory is that? Someone asked "Can this thing be a thing?" and the other person - presumably - said "yes". It's rubbish. You need a bit more plot there, legend-making-up people.

Oh, and there are no citations for this legend until the 19th century so it's double bollocks.

Presumably, the tradition came about because the 29th of February is a crazy, nonsensical sort of a day. It doesn't even happen most years! And what's the most crazy nonsensical thing our 19th century ancestors could think of?  Women proposing to men! How bonkers is that!?

As it happens, I am very happy being a spinster. (A spinster who can date, shag and be spanked by anyone she damn well pleases, obviously.)

I have recently taken my spinsterhood up a notch. Last Friday, I adopted two beautiful elderly cats. They're lovely. I have no intention of ensnaring myself a man. I fully intend to be a Crazy Cat Lady instead. It's going extraordinarily well so far.

Happy Valentine's Day. If you're into that sort of rubbish.

Oh look, it's Valentine's Day again. That pretendy-love fest named after the Patron Saint of beekeeping and epilepsy keeps rolling around every year. I am, apparently, powerless to stop it.

You see those faces in the doorway? NONE of those people were there at the time this picture was taken,
Their images only appeared after this wedding photo was developed. Woooooooooooh.

You all know what a cynical, unromantic curmudgeon I am, right? I will look askance at anyone over the age of fourteen who gives any kind of shit about Valentine's Day.

And it's not because I don't believe in love. I believe in love! I have met actual, real people who are in love in with their life partners. Hell, I'm even related to some of them.

I just think that Valentine's Day is literally the worst day of the year to express that love. A bunch of flowers given on a random Thursday is a million times more romantic than one given on the 14th of February. (And I am saying this as someone who would love to be given a bunch of flowers occasionally. Even on Valentine's Day. Honestly, I'm not picky.)

But what do I know of love? Absolutely nothing.

So for insightful observations on the nature of true love, I would like to direct your attention once again to the always amazing Australian songwriter, Tim Minchin.


Because, you know, you can be happily married to a woman you met in your teens and still recognise that "It's just mathematically unlikely that at a university in Perth / I happened to stumble on the one girl on Earth specifically designed for me".

And, maybe it's just me, but if someone ever told me "I don't think you're special / I mean, I think you're special / But you fall within a bell curve", I'd respect them a hell of a lot. Because I do like a man with a good understanding of mathematical probability.

There's a longer version of this song. Worth mentioning because this version contains the lines

You're lovely but there must be girls as lovely as you
And maybe more open to spanking or table tennis
I'm just saying

And you know, I can never un-hear a spanking reference. Especially when it's being said by Tim Minchin. Shame he's so very obviously in love with his wife.  (And if you listen all the way to the end of that longer clip, you'll appreciate that Mrs Minchin sounds every kind of awesome.)

Unfortunately, come to think of it, my table tennis skills are terrible. Bang goes my chances of a threesome.

Well, this went slightly off-topic.

Enjoy your Valentine's Days, everyone! Whatever you're doing. Having candlelit dinners, swapping clichéd gifts, making heart-shaped food items, imagining threeways with Tim Minchin and his wife. Whatever. I'm not going to judge you.

I feel obliged at this point to mention the VALENTINES Corbin Bend collection of VALENTINES stories of VALENTINE-ness. Buy them all now! Or at least, my one.

Valentine's Surprise: A Corbin's Bend Valentine's Day Novella (Love in the Rockies Book 1) - Constance Masters

Roy & Teri's Accidental Staycation: A Corbin's Bend Valentine's Day Novella (Love in the Rockies Book 2) - Kate Richards

Past Interference: A Corbin's Bend Valentine's Day Novella (Love in the Rockies Book 3) - Kathryn Blake

The Perfect Housewife: A Corbin's Bend Valentine's Day Novella (Love in the Rockies Book 4) - Etta Stark

Unexpected Surprises: A Corbin's Bend Valentine's Day Novella (Love in the Rockies Book 5) - Ruth Staunton

Knowing What She Needs: A Corbin's Bend Valentine's Day Novella (Love in the Rockies Book 6) - Thianna D

Saturday Spankings - "She felt poised halfway between happiness and hurt"

Saturday Spankings! Valentine's Day Flavour!

Hey, Saturday Spankers! You know what tomorrow is? 14th February 2016! Which according to the crazy lady in Ghostbusters 2 is the date of the END OF THE WORLD.

Oh, and it's also Valentine's Day. If you're into that sort of thing.

"So your alien had a room at the Holiday Inn, Paramus?"
"It might have been a room on the spacecraft made up to look like a room in the Holiday Inn. I can't be sure about that, Peter."

Corbin's Bend Valentine's Day Love In The Rockies collection is on sale now! For all your Spanky Community Valentine's Day needs. Including my book, The Perfect Housewife.

Go on! Treat yourself.

In the snippet below, Kirsty is being spanked by her boyfriend, Logan. In a moment of improvisation, Logan has decided to spank Kirsty with a skipping rope.

Kirsty buried her face in the bedcover and waited for the first blow to connect. The plastic cord whipped across her bare bottom leaving a line of fire in its wake.  Logan brought the rope down half a dozen more times. Each time, Kirsty gasped as it made stinging contact with her flesh.  The pain was so different from that of being spanked by his hand. She honestly couldn’t tell if she liked it or not. She felt poised halfway between happiness and hurt. It felt like it could go either way.

Go on, enjoy Valentine's Day in the company of the world's best spanking community. But be quick, according to those aliens in Holiday Inn, Paramus, you may not have much time left.

But before we all inevitably meet our respective dooms, remember to check out the rest of the Saturday Spankers.

New Release! The Perfect Housewife

Good news, everyone! Last year's Corbin's Bend Valentine-fest Love In The Rockies are being released this month as stand-alone books.

This means that my contribution, The Perfect Housewife is now available for sale!

Buy it now!
Unless you already purchased the full Love In The Rockies collection.
n which case, definitely don't. Because it's exactly the same.

The Perfect Housewife continues Logan and Kirsty's story after we left them in East End Girl. Our heroes are still together and still trying to make their Domestic Discipline lifestyle work. Something that doesn't always come naturally to feisty, independent Kirsty.

In the snippet below, Logan has admitted that he has screwed up and hurt Kirsty's feelings. Although he has apologised, Kirsty wonders if there should be further consequences.

“So what happens now?” she asked. 

“How do you mean?” 

“Well you admitted that you did wrong in leaping to the conclusion that you did, you’ve said sorry and that you won’t do it again.” 

“Is that not enough?” 

“Well, it isn’t when I have done something wrong. I get a punishment spanking as well.”Logan pulled back from the hug so that they were at arm’s length from one another and looked at her questioningly. “You want to spank me?” 

Kirsty frowned. The idea wasn’t appealing at all. “Maybe not,” she conceded. “But it is a bit unfair, isn’t it? There’s two people in this relationship and yet if I do something wrong, I get my backside warmed like an errant child and if you do something wrong, you just get to apologize and move on. I feel like I’m setting back Women’s Rights sixty years sometimes. Aren’t we supposed to be equal partners?” 

Logan ran his finger down the side of her face and kissed her softly on her cheek.  “I guess it’s something we will just need to keep working on and discussing. We’re still figuring all of this out. I don’t want you to think that I get to discipline you just because I’m a man and you are my woman. I tell you what though. You don’t get to spank me. Not ever. That’s not how this thing works. If you think the rules of spanking are unfair, then we will have to even it up the other way.”

“The other way?” 

“Yes. I stop giving you spankings.” Kirsty gave an involuntarily squeak of protest. 

Logan smiled. “I’m guessing that you don’t like that idea much?” 

“No, not at all. You know that. I mean I always knew that I liked being spanked but I really had no idea quite how much until I met you. Nothing ever feels as right as it does when you have me bent over for a spanking.” 

“I know. It feels pretty right to me too. That’s why I give the spankings and you get spanked. It’s nothing to do with my imposing my will over you because you’re female. We’re just wired this way. And much as I enjoy the sexy spankings, I think the Domestic Discipline side of things is an important part of it too. We take our kink and use it to make our relationship stronger.” 

Kirsty furrowed her brow. “Hmm. You make a convincing case there, mister. Still not convinced you should be allowed to screw up and get away with it scot free though. Tell you what, maybe next time I do something wrong, I should be granted amnesty on my punishment. Like a free pass.” 

Logan chuckled. “Not a chance, sweetie. You screw up and you’re going straight over my knee, having your backside swatted until it’s bright red and hot enough to fry eggs on.” 

Kirsty smiled. When he put it like that, it didn’t sound that bad at all.

The whole collection are available for sale now. So if you haven't spend Valentines in the the world's best spanking community. You should probably start now.

Valentine's Surprise: A Corbin's Bend Valentine's Day Novella (Love in the Rockies Book 1) - Constance Masters

Roy & Teri's Accidental Staycation: A Corbin's Bend Valentine's Day Novella (Love in the Rockies Book 2) - Kate Richards

Past Interference: A Corbin's Bend Valentine's Day Novella (Love in the Rockies Book 3) - Kathryn Blake

The Perfect Housewife: A Corbin's Bend Valentine's Day Novella (Love in the Rockies Book 4) - Etta Stark

Unexpected Surprises: A Corbin's Bend Valentine's Day Novella (Love in the Rockies Book 5) - Ruth Staunton

Knowing What She Needs: A Corbin's Bend Valentine's Day Novella (Love in the Rockies Book 6) - Thianna D

Bad Neighbours

Of course, this movie was just called "Neighbors" in the US.
I assume they changed it for us Brits, because "Neighbours" would just make us think of a certain Australian soap opera, Kylie Minogue and the ear-wormiest theme song in the history of ever.

I've mentioned before that spanking is a noisy business. Unless you have some kind of fully soundproofed spank dungeon, I'm sure you're aware that the application of a stout wooden paddle to a fleshy backside can have a bit of a reverberating sound to it. (Incidentally, if you do have a fully soundproofed spank dungeon, can I borrow it sometime, please?)

I live in a block of flats so I potentially have three lots of neighbours who might be disturbed by the sounds of the occasional spanky shenanigans which occur round my place. Because my apartments are relatively newly built and because I never hear what my neighbours are up to (and I'm not just talking about kinky stuff), I like to kid myself that noise-wise my home is pretty well insulated. Still, even if it isn't, I never see my neighbours. It's not like we need to make awkward chitchat while washing our cars or weeding our front gardens.

Nicer people than me are probably more concerned about disturbing their neighbours. My current gentleman spanker friend was very aware of how noisy the whole business was when we were round his house the other day. Happily, that didn't stop him having at it with gusto. Apart from the occasional "ow", "ouch" or "fucking hell!", I'm not a particularly noisy spankee. But, like I said, the sound of wood or leather or a an open palm enthusiastically applied to a willing arse, well it's not exactly quiet, is it?

In the right hands, this hairbrush can make a lot of noise.

Later on in the evening we were chilling out and cuddling and watching Doctor Who (in fact I think we were literally "Netflix and Chill"ing. You know like cool young people do. Unless I've hopelessly misunderstood that particular meme) when there was a ring at his doorbell. He was all "Who the hell is calling at at 10 o'clock in the evening?"

I was briefly worried that I might have to reassure some well-meaning neighbours that my friend wasn't imprisoning and beating some poor hapless woman against her will. Luckily, they were just handing over a parcel which had been delivered earlier that day.

Thing is, the parcel in question was a leather gladiator kilt. And it was entirely clear from the
packaging exactly what it was. (Poor show, leatheraddicts.com, have you never heard of discretion?)

Maybe don't get this delivered to your mum's house.

Gentleman spanking friend is convinced that not only do his neighbours now know that he's a pervert, but that they spent the evening discussing when was best to drop the package off. "Shall we take it round now, do you think?" "Best not, just at the moment. He sounds busy." Then politely waiting until there was a lull in the spanking noises before nipping round.

Oh I hope my kinks don't make me un-neighbourly. I try to be a nice person. I don't drop litter, I recycle, I buy copious amounts of sweets every Halloween just in case (even though Trick or Treating isn't something that ever happens round these parts). If I am a nuisance, I'd like to think that at the very least, it might give the neighbours something to chat to one another about. "Oh hello, Doris. You know her at number 9? Well, you'd never guess what she gets up to. Honestly, it wouldn't surprise me if she planted some pampas grass outside her house. You never know with those types."